I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
