I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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