Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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