just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
