i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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