Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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