I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
