he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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