I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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