Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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