I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
