Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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