I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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