apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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