I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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