I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
