I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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