DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
