It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
