i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
