This house was built for laser tag.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
