When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
