I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I want her autograph on my taint
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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