who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
