You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
