If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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