someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
