saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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