i just wanna soil my oats bro
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
