last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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