so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
