i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
