oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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