Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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