be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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