remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
