This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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