I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
