I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
