Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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