So drunk, too bad you don't want this
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
