Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
