I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
