My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
