were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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