Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
