I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
