I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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