So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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