When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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