I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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