When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
