with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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