My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
