When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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