I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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